How big is my addiction?

Well I just finished step 4 and went over it with my sponsor and it feels great to have it done. Step 5 is going over it with my sponsor and my bishop. I haven’t talk about it with my bishop but I will have it done this week. I can’t wait. I have been working on 6 and 7 and it has flown by. Right now I’m on 8 and 9. These steps will take a little longer. I can’t belief that I’m on day 64.

I have been reading some blogs that have to do with  addiction that I’m going through. Some that stood out to me where. This daughter of a addict found porn on her dad’s computer.  She said that she felt betrayed and could not believe that her father viewed that. I made me think about my addiction. When I was into my addiction I believe that it couldn’t harm anyone beside me. As I do the 12 step program, I have noticed how big this addiction is.  Every week I notice how big this addiction is. Before I started this program I will try and over come this, but I would fail. Now I can see why I couldn’t do it on my own. It’s like having a huge bolder in front of me and trying to move it by myself. I needed the Lord to help me and a sponsor. I can’t really explain how much a sponsor has helped me. I’m grateful for his time and his willingness to help me fight this. After awhile I notice that it really damages my wife and my kids. I would tell my daughter that she needs to be modest and respect her body. How can I tell my daughter this when I was viewing pornography? I was being a hypocrite. Now I’m realizing what I was doing to my family. I feel guilty, because I can see how I hurt my family. I would do anything to not hurt them again. My relationship with my wife is getting better every week. I know that in time she will be able to trust me again. I have to be patient with her as she goes through this.

Grind it out

I attend two meeting a week. One on Wednesday and another one on Saturday. During this 90 day program, I’m required to attend them. I believe that it has benefited me as I’m attend the meetings.

On Wednesday, I was there and I was listening to the other guys talk and they all had great things to talk about. One thing that came to my mind was to grind it out.  If you read my previous post you would know that  things are weird with my wife. I wish they would pass by and it will go back to normal but they are not. I read somewhere that it stated ” just keep grinding it out, things will get better.” I believe that. I know things will get better but I have to be patient. I know that this is happening for a reason. I feel that as I go through this I’m able to learn new things about myself. As I learn new things I will be able to control my thoughts, actions and how I act in different situations. One thing that I have learned is that I need to build a friendship with my wife. I know that sounds weird, but since I have damage our relationship.  I need to start at the beginning. I need to gain her trust in me. I want her to love me for the new me. I want her to feel loved by me. I want her to know that she is the only person for me. I can see why she doesn’t want to get close. I understand her view. I just need to do small things so that she can start trusting me again. It feels weird that she can’t trust me anymore. I believe that since I have started the 90 day program for the second time. She has started to build her trust in me. Baby steps, baby steps. I see the improvement that the program has give me. I want to continue in this program and I know that I will I develop into a better person.

This week things are getting better. I pray that they will continue that way, but we live in a life that things happen. I want my relationship to improve with myself and my wife. I know that if I keep working the program I will be able to improve myself and my relationship with my wife.

Still here.

What have I been up too? Well, right now I’m in the middle of the 90 day program. I’m in step 4 and it is bring me down. Thinking about my past is hard and make me feel like crap. I want to get it over with so I can be move on. I have about 10 days left. I have been talking to my sponsor and he has been giving me encouragement and it has helped a little. I’m grateful that he has been there to help me along the way. If it wasn’t for his guidance I know that I would have fallen by now.

My relationship with my wife is not great.  I don’t know how to act around her. I feel like we are just friends. That is great but we are a couple. I told her that I don’t know how to act around her. When I go in for a kiss it feels weird. She said that maybe it’s good that we start building on our friendship again. I have written her a letter telling how that I’m sorry for how I treated her. I am planning on giving it to her on Christmas. Some days I think that I should just give it to her. I feel that if I do give it to her now, things will get better. I know and understand that a letter won’t fix everything as she finishes the letter. I need to be patient with her. As an addict I want change right away. I want to be normal with my wife and not feel eerie around her. I put her through so much and made her suffer. I need to be patient and I know if I stay sober things will get better between us.

Days I have been sober: 213

Restitution.

I missed last weeks meeting and I can tell the difference between last week and this week.

Currently I working on step 9 in the manual. I have finished all the questions and now I have to make restitution with the people on my list. I do not know why I am taking forever.  Why can’t I just talk to them and tell them I’m sorry. Maybe I feel content with myself. I haven’t had any majors falls lately. So maybe that is why I’m feeling content. I need to keep stepping forward and not backwards. I just need to keep myself looking at the ultimate goal. For my religion we believe that we can return and live with our Heavenly Father and his son.   My wife is on the list and I see her everyday. I would think that she would be the easiest. She is not. I think that I need to talk to the Lord about this. I know that he is willing to help me and overcome this step in my life.  Our family had a gathering this last Saturday and I knew that their were going to be some family members that I needed to apologize to.  I saw them and got scared. I don’t know what happen, but I didn’t do it.  I was thinking in my head that maybe they will make a scene or just go crazy. I didn’t want that. Maybe I just need to write them and email or talk to them on the phone. I don’t know. Hopefully I can come to something. I want to finish this step and make restitution with them. I know that It will help me move on.

Sponsor

Last night I went to another meeting. What kept coming to my mind was my sponsor. Our group that meets says that having a sponsor will help us during this time. I have had him for about 10 months and he has been there to help me and teach me on how to overcome this.  I email him about everyday. In our manual we have some questions that I write to him. Sometimes he writes back and gives his input and sometimes we talk on the phone.

I think my biggest problem is with lust. I believe it all starts there. Once I lust after someone I start to get curious and my mind starts to wonder. (Not good) I use to look at women like a piece of meat. I should not look at woman as an object. So I called my sponsor and talked to him about this. He had a lot of good stuff to say, I wish I would remember what he said. One thing that I remember him saying was that remember that women are a mother to a child, a daughter, and a child of God. When he told me that it started clicking in my mind. I wish that it would have changed me forever but it did not. I still look at women and lust after them. It is really unfair to my wife to look at them. My eyes should only be for her and her only.  I sometimes realize that I am doing this and stop right away. Other times I don’t realize until it is too late.  I think once I can picture them a with their families I will not look at them.

I work in a downtown area. Usually there are a lot of woman when I go out to lunch or just for a walk. Every time I go out I am tempted with this. Usually I try to say a prayer to the Lord and ask him to help me. I know that if I have him by my side I will be able to look at woman as a daughter, and a mother.

My sponsor has help me in many areas. If I continue to listen to him and do the program and turn my heart to the Lord. I know that I will be able to over come this addiction.

About Me and My adventures.

Let me tell you about myself. I have been addicted to porn since I was about 15 years old. I never thought it was a problem. Most of my friends would view it. So thinking to myself I would say that I not doing anything bad. I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I started attending a program that my church has. It’s the 12 step of recovery. I started in April 2013. The manual that we use is below. My wife did not know about my addiction until we were in our 4 year of marriage. She was very disappointed in me. At first I did not want to tell my wife about it. I felt that if I told her she would leave me and would want a divorce. I have three kids with her. Surprisingly she did not leave me. She told me that I needed help and that I need to attend the meetings once a week. She was very supportive during this hard period of time for me. I was scared to attend these meetings. I never thought I would get this bad. I always thought I could stop it whenever I wanted it and be done with it. Boy was I wrong. The blog about me and how I handle things through the process of this addiction. The longest that I have been sober was for about 190 days. My biggest accomplishment. Some people may not think that looking at a woman in a bikini is falling but to me it is.  So After 190 days I fell. I felt ashamed, and heart broken. I know that she was not nude, but if I continue to look at these things I will be looking at nude women in no time. I really want to turn my life around. Hopefully I can help someone on the way. If not, hopefully I can come out of this addiction and be able to get sober.

 

http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/bc/content/arp/content/manuals/ARPGuide_English_36764.pdf?lang=eng

The start.

I have this addiction that I’ve had since I was about 15 years old. Porn. Not good to have. Yesterday I fell. Before that I was clean for about 6 months. I told my wife. It’s still hard to tell her and not know what she is feeling or what she thinks for me.

I was watching a Youtube video with Shaytards. It was about Easter, Shay was bearing his testimony and then it hit me. That I really need to improve on my addiction. I don’t want my wife to leave me. I want to spend every moment with her and the kids.

It’s hard for me to start all over. Our relationship is continuing to grow and I have noticed some good differences. With this fall I know that I will have to restart my trust with her. I wish I could wipe it away and never let it come into my life again. Wish it was the easy. I know that she is there to support me and is behind me. She has told me that she is not happy with my latest fall, but she is happy that I was honest with her.